Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[Finno]

Christmas Diet plan,

If your woman has put on some weight over the holidays, suggest some exercise. Get her to walk three kilometres in the morning and three kilometres in the evening. In a week the fat bitch will be 42 kilometres away.

********

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.'

[todd182]

GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bacon]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian...and I think I love you...'

[BigPete33]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Laura]

This made me laugh...and then I went to the site and laughed harder - people do actually post stuff like this.

Posted to the CraigsList personals

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Oklahoma City)
Date: 2009-01-06,
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

- Jack

[Bob B]

A friend of mine just sent these through and I thought they were worth sharing on the Forum.

Not sure if Todd can use them or not as he's still single, unmarried and friendless in the female department. Oh my, you say and he's so good looking what is his problem??????????



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

and that's how the fight started....

*************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.

and that's how the fight started....

*************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a Petrol station.....

and that's how the fight started....

*************************************

After retiring, I went to the Benefits Office to sort out my pension.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Pension application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Benefits Office office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might
have got disability, too'

and that's how the fight started....


*************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

and that's how the fight started....

*************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little
things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

and that's how the fight started....


*************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

and that's how the fight started....

[bennymacca]

bob im sure todd will only be telling funny jokes, so you wont need to be posting any more

[Bob B]

Sure benny the cunt, sure, LOL I've heard them and he needs help like you do with your Maccattack LOL too easy to read m8 too easy.

[maccatak11]

what?

[todd182]

ease up boys thanks for the support benny the cunt but bob's only stirring ya mate. and a fine job your doing to bobby.