Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[Nevah play JJ]

Bulldog Poker Player

A guy shows up at his Thursday night poker game with his bulldog. The dog jumps on on an empty seat and the guy buys him some chips.

As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says, "Hey, deal my dog in!"
Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in.

To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and begins to play!
After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to be in the Guiness Book of Records!"

The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."

[Nevah play JJ]

Dog Gone Poker

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

[Nevah play JJ]

Nun Luck

The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit.
Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.

As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.

She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering.

She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."

As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"

Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."

The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.

The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"

"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at the horse race."

[Nevah play JJ]

A naked surprise

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

[Nevah play JJ]

An oldie but a goodie


One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.

Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.

"How did you get so much money?"

"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."

"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.

"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."

"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

"You're right, they're not square!"

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"

"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."

[Nevah play JJ]

Pack Up

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

[Nevah play JJ]

The Leprechaun

A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechuan.

"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."

[Nevah play JJ]

Top 5 ways to impress 3-6 players

Some of the toughest poker players in the world sit at B&M 3-6 tables. Here are some ways to earn their respect:

1) Wear sunglasses and a hat, preferably a poker-related hat. Nothing says "don't mess with this guy" like a party poker hat.

2) Take a long time to think about every play. This lets players know you're not some jerk who makes snap decisions. even if it's 83o UTG, take at least 30 seconds.

3) Call at least 5 hands per hour down to the river even if you're pretty sure that you're beat. You can't let those pros push you around.

4) As soon as you sit down, ask the player next to you "how's the action been?" in a whispered tone. Whatever he/she says, nod knowingly.

5) Buy in for $500, all $1 chips, and play right out of your rack.

[Nevah play JJ]

Top 5 ways to appear Pro

New to the game but don't want others to know? no sweat. Here's what you do:

1) Quote from Rounders every chance you get. Especially if someone asks you what you had in the hand that just ended. Be sure to say "i'm sorry John, but i don't remember."

2) Talk loudly about how the WSOP was better when there were only 800 players instead of 2000+. Instant old school cred!

3) Refer to poker pros by their first names only - instead of saying "phil hellmuth", just say "phil". this gives the impression that you actually know them.

4) Get a business card that says: "your name - poker player." Wait, no, even better: "your name - PROFESSIONAL poker player."

5) Lose a ton of money and act like it doesn't matter to you.

[Nevah play JJ]

A Bum Asks a Man for $2

The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Angry Old Women

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

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Jungle Poker

Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
Because there were too many cheetahs.