Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[Bob B]

Doctors Never Laugh


...the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'


'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.


Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'


'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

[Todd Rivers]

WOW! Not allowed to say c.r.a.p. s.h.i.t. or d.o.n.key, but we've covered sexism, pedophillia, disabilities, necrophillia and beastiality!

Anyone for Racism and Homo jokes?

I'm not the fun police but the irony is amazing.

So, to add hypocracy to this post, here are 2 of my favs:

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What's the best thing about having sex with twenynine year olds?

There's 20 of them. :
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A student doing work experience at a morgue comes running up to the mortician yelling, "the old lady on the slab out the back has got a huge prawn stuck in her vagina".
Upon inspection, the mortician says " that's not a prawn, it's her clitoris"

"Funny", said the student, "it tasted like a prawn!"

[Nevah play JJ]

Had to put one in for the girls.

_________________________________________________


This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. *


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[Laura]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doc tor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place.'

[Nevah play JJ]

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.




What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They tend to go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

[Tommo]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

[Tommo]

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

[Tommo]

John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he'd gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.

John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.

Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.

Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said "ROYAL FLUSH."

[Bob B]

Southern Gals rebel and want to play in the NE and they love NPLSA

[Nevah play JJ]

Southern Gals rebel and want to play in the NE and they love NPLSA

Bob, what happened to the picture????