Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[Laura]

Funny jokes only please, Pete

Fart jokes are always funny

Yes. Yes they are.

[Laura]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Darren B]

The Smiths had no children, since Mr. Smith couldn't get it up, so they decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. Good luck!"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Scotty]

Nice one Daz

[Darren B]

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.
"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.
"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.
"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.
The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"
"Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"

[Scotty]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears,

'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog,

'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?', the man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas'.

They go to Las Vegas, and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and Says, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Kiss Me.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for Him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.








'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'

[Darren B]

SOOOO Wrong!!

How about this one...

A hunter is about to shoot a bear with a gun, he aims and shoots, goes to where the bear should be, no bear. A tap on his shoulder, he turns round, there's the bear. "You missed, give me a blow job" says the bear. Down the man goes frightened for his life.
Next day the hunter comes back with a larger gun, sees the bear, aims and shoots. Again he goes to the clearing, no bear. A tap on the shoulder, he turns round and again there's the bear. "Give me a blowjob" he says. Again the man frightened for his life goes down.
The day after he comes back with an even bigger gun, spies the bear again, aims and fires. The hunter goes to where the bear should be. Damn no bear.... immediately he turns round. The bear says to the hunter "You're not here for the hunting are you!"...

[BigPete33]

Completely sexist but I'm sure we'll all have a giggle....

[Ashley Higgins]

thats gold pete

[Darren B]

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the
railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top sometimes, her on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"I dunno, I never found her head."