Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[Scotty]

Funny jokes only please, Pete

[Bob B]

Oh not nice Scotty, he's having withdrawals due to the Winsors closure

[bennymacca]

apparently this was voted as the funniest joke ever on some internet site a few years ago.

funny yes, best ever? No

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

[bennymacca]

A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Claudia Schiffer! He runs to help her out of the boat.

"Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."

The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival.

Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex.

Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Claudia sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her.

"Well, actually, it does", he says.

"Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly.

"Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says.

"OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's."

"OK, that's no problem."

"Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues.

She agrees, but less readily.

"Then, I want you to speak in a low voice."

Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now.

"Then finally, I want to call you Bob."

Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night.

Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Claudia is in the bushes "preparing" herself.

"You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out.

"Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravelly voice.

"Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts.

She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice.

"Is this OK with you?", she growls.

He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob."

She goes over to the log and sits at the end.

"Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret."

Reluctantly she sidles over to him.

He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?"

"Yes?"

His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm shagging??!!"

[muzzington]

Jack fool.

[Bob B]

apparently this was voted as the funniest joke ever on some internet site a few years ago.

funny yes, best ever? No

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

SWEET!!!

[Bob B]

[quote="bennymacca"]A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

10/10 for that one benny the cunt, LOL

[Luke05(Jamo)]

lol made my day

[bennymacca]

good to hear

[BigPete33]

Funny jokes only please, Pete

Fart jokes are always funny