Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[Scotty]

I don't think I can top that one

[David]

Heard the same joke a while ago, 'cept it ended with :

"You lucky sod!"

"Yeah! and I would have got a blow job if I could find her head"

or something similar.

[Bacon]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' said Bob


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'


'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'

[bennymacca]

what did the st.kilda fan do after they won the grand final.

a. he turned off his playstation

[Darren B]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from
LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to
play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50"
figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone
via
infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his coworkers,
friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no
avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.

[Grant Pepper]

Short but sweet.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'

[Grant Pepper]

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when old-man daryl Gibson comes inside him. "

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[Bacon]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,

And according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[Bob B]

Read right to the end this is funny!


Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:.....Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:.... Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Monica.

Titanic:... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
_______________________________________________________

[Bob B]

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says 'You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back.'

The bride replied, 'Not really, I just miss mine.'