Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[David]

Reminds me of a true story (covering up)

Mate of mine lived with his parents, and went out to the pub with his mates. Hi drove home but as he went in to the drive way, he knocked over his parents' letter box.

Being pissed, and obviously really smart (as you are when you are pissed) he proceeded to knock over all the letter boxes in the street to make it look like someone went on a rampage.

It worked

[bennymacca]

ha thats hilarious

[xtal]

[bennymacca]

A KIWI washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Lonely KIWI . Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the KIWI started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Scotty]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[Scotty]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.


The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,014 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

<><><><><><><><><><><> <><><>

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[bennymacca]

the third floor is for open minded twins that love sex and have lots of money

[Bob B]

Here's a test for those who are smarter than a 4 year old. Don't cheat or scroll down before you answer the questions okay.



I suggest use the questions below as part of pre employment screening processes.

I will not admit to how many I got right.



This is a test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify
But , ???? I have made mistakes before.


The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult.
But don't scroll down UNTIL you have
answered the question!


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?












The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.








2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.









3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

You just put him in there.

This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?












Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

[Bob B]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!



An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


Don't look at me. He
Makes his own lunch!

LMAO

[BigPete33]

A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower bunk.

A 1am the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"WOW! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied "Get your own bloody blanket!"


After a moment of silence, he farted.