Jokes - post the funny stuff here!

[BigPete33]

THE FARMER AND THE LAWYER


A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer Peter replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'


The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'


The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.


Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'



The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

[bennymacca]

thats pretty funny

[BigPete33]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum'.

With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.



Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.



P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk!



I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[BigPete33]

These were supposedly posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, quite humorous



Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HarveyBay? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it.. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[gundog]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

[maccatak11]

Hey, i know stuff about tanks.

[Finno]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

Edit: (sorry for the crappy formatting. It looks right in the post window)


SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty................. 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom................-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..........+5
in the snow........................................................+8
but return with beer...............................................-5
and no liners.....................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...............+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her cat......................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.............................. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
work colleague.....................................................-2
Named Tiffany......................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...............................................-10
With breast implants..............................................-18


HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.......................................... 0
You buy a card and flowers......................................... 0
You take her out to dinner......................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub......................+1
Okay, it is a pub..................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....................................-3
It's a pub, and you eat all you can...............................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate..................................................... 0
The mate is happily married........................................+1
The mate is single.................................................-7
Not for long - it's his stag night................................-10
He has a liking for Soho establishments...........................-50


A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie............................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes..................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate...................................+6
You take her to a movie you like...................................-2
It's called Death Cop III..........................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.............................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.............-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable beer gut.................................-15
You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts.........................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..................-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding........................................-10
You reply, "Where?"...............................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your a*se"..........................-100
Any other response................................................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.......................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes....................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..........+50
Your mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her
saying "well, what do you think I should do?"....................-100
You have fallen asleep...........................................-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......
You talk.........................................................-100
You don't talk...................................................-150
You spend time with her..........................................-200
You don't spend time with her....................................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself................... GAME OVER-YOU LOSE!!!

[AceLosesKing]

Hahaha

So true.

[rcon]

[gundog]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.